HA (cont)

UPDATE: It has been 36  hours since my beautiful decision to remove the parasitic influence of social media from my life. I am happy to say that thus far I have not faltered once. I quit cold turkey, and I am staying that way. At least until the new year.

I believe I left off talking about my first experiences with Facebook. Facebook was amazing. When I was in middle school and I had sleepovers with my friends, we would gossip and confide in each other about which boy we “liked” and poured over the previous year’s yearbook and pick apart all recent interactions we had with these boys and speculate over whether they “liked” us too. Occasionally, one girl would have inside information that she “swore” not to tell anyone, and we would spend the majority of the evening trying to pry this third or fourth hand information out of her, only to have her reveal it in the early hours of the morning, causing great elation or major devastation. This was our bread and butter. This gave my meager middle school existence purpose.

Facebook took this to the next level. Suddenly, there was an online log of his interactions with EVERYONE: me, his friends, that super cute girl that he seemed to be friends with in English class but she allegedly has a boyfriend. We spent hours analyzing his page, deciding if we had a chance or not. And GOD FORBID he became “Facebook official” with another girl. We would look through every one of her pictures and talk about how she wasn’t as good as us, although wondering deep down how she photographed so well all the time, and how we could get our eyeliner to look like that.

To be continued…


I finally did it! Tonight, December 5th, 2015 at 12:48 AM, I effectively went off the social media grid! And before you ask, blogs don’t count.

For the last few weeks, my social media presence has been weighing on my mind. I kept asking myself questions, like “What are you trying accomplish?” and “What are you getting out of all of this?” Finally it dawned on me: social media has been slowly sucking the life out of me over the years! 

It all began in the 5th grade. That was when I got my first email and my first instant messenger screen name. I proudly introduced myrathedog@verizon.net and the AIM screen name mydogmyra into the interwebs (I was (am) still obsessed with my dog. Can you tell?). It was completely innocent at first. I would instant message my cousin, and email back and forth with my friends from camp. 

But when I began 6th grade, everything changed. Suddenly people were sending mass emails to everyone in the grade and a lot of people had my email who didn’t before. I was starting to talk to boys over AIM; I talked to boys I liked and boys my friends liked. So much drama happened over AIM; the AIM profile was the precursor to the modern day Facebook profile. You would post song lyrics, quotes, AND a list of your friends, or their initials. God forbid you list someone’s initials and they don’t list yours too, the ultimate betrayal. Any and all of my middle school relationships began and ended with AIM. It was our generation’s texting. Then Facebook happened.

The summer before my freshman year of high school, I started “dating” a guy named Paul. He was my first kiss, and I liked the idea of him more than I liked him. That’s the way it’s supposed to be when you’re 14. He kept bugging me to make a Facebook profile (probably because he wanted to update his relationship status), and finally I gave in and made one. It’s so sad that that was a turning point for me.

Facebook was the most amazing thing to happen to my high school self. Suddenly, in the middle of the summer, I knew what every person I knew was doing with their lives and how they were feeling. It wasn’t like instant message where you had to know someone’s screen name. Suddenly I could find everyone I had ever known and communicate with them whenever I felt like it. And I did. I felt closer to people than I ever had before. It was wonderful. The newsfeed updated every couple of minutes with everyone’s activity. This is what social media is meant to be. A way to connect everyone in the world together and make the world feel like a smaller place. But it quickly spun out of control.

To be continued…

You have a self esteem problem

It sounds like you have a self esteem problem.

Apparently I don’t like myself.

The clues were all there. I should have been able to add them up myself.

The truth is, I’m scared no one likes me. I’m scared that no one would give a damn if I just faded away from their life. That I am of so little significance, that I contribute so little to people’s lives, that they would barely notice I was gone.

I’m so scared that I get worked up into tears just thinking about it. I’m so scared that I hold onto the friends that I do have for dear life, until they feel suffocated and drift away.

I’m so scared that I’ve built up this paranoia. I am so paranoid that the smallest act of thoughtlessness can send me spiraling into a cycle of negativity that only sleep will stop.

I don’t post on social media anymore. The last time I wrote a facebook status was four months ago. It isn’t because I no longer feel the need to share my thoughts with the world. It’s because I feel like the world no longer cares.

Social media is a wonderful, multifaceted thing. It’s great for staying connected and informed. It’s also a unique platform to express your thoughts and be heard. But this ugly cycle of validation was born from the advent of the “like” button. Suddenly, it’s not enough to express your thoughts and feelings. Suddenly, your thoughts and feelings only matter if there are 10 people to validate them. The feeling of sharing a thought or desire without this external validation breeds anxiety. You see other people’s thoughts, feelings, lives being validated, and you wonder: What is WRONG with me? Why doesn’t anyone notice me? Why doesn’t anyone see the intense pain I’m in?

Fear dominates my life. I am a slave to my own fear; when it wants to, it paralyzes me, or it causes me to scramble get things in order. I have normal fears, that everyone has at my age: Will I ever meet my soulmate? Will I be successful in my career? Will I be able to sustain a lifestyle? None of these come close to the hold my fear of being alone has on me.

I try to pretend it doesn’t exist, or overcompensate for it. I come off as abrasive, bitchy, ornery, contrary, but I’m just scared and I don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t know how to ask for help, and it feels like I am beating my fists against a door until they bruise and screaming until I am hoarse, but no one ever hears me. I sleep so I don’t have to feel the absolute hopelessness that is constantly looming over my shoulder. Because if there is one thing that is worse than fear, it is hopelessness.

You may have read this far and thought to yourself, “It sucks that she’s going through this right now, she’ll be fine in a couple of weeks, things’ll turn around.” I envy your optimism. This isn’t some new thing. I’ve felt this way for almost 10 years, but only recently have my fears begun to come alive.

The fact is, why should it matter? Why should it matter if I haven’t a friend in the world? Why is being alone the worst possible thing I can think of to happen to me?

I guess it’s because I don’t really like myself.


Being in love with your best friend who is NOT reciprocating is like getting a tattoo with a phobia of needles- ultimately, you really want the tattoo, but all of the pain and panic attacks make it really hard to get. And sometimes you talk yourself out of it, and you say it’s not for you, and that you’d much rather have unblemished skin anyway. But you do really want the tattoo, you’ve always wanted the tattoo. This particular design holds so much meaning for you, and god help you if you just gave up, because what would you do then? But really, is all the pain worth it? All of those nights you stay up crying and wishing you were dead? Every time any of your friends show you their tattoos, and you pretend not to want one, but deep down you do and you know exactly which one it is. And finally, you get up enough courage to go into the tattoo parlor to get it done, and the artist tells you it won’t look any good on you. Won’t look good on you? How can a design that holds so much meaning to you not look good on you? Is it possible that he’s mistaken? All of your friends think it would look good on you. And you don’t care if it’ll look good on you, you just want that tattoo because you need to express yourself and your love.

I just don’t understand it. My friends have been telling me everyone goes through this. Am I weak because I don’t know if I’ll make it through this? Every day when I wake up from some beautiful dream about us together, the truth hits me again and it’s like he’s ending things with me every single morning. It hurts so much.

I could move on. I could go on a few dates with the next guy who thinks I’m cute at a party and wants to get coffee with me. I could go have sex with someone else, and it’d be okay. I could let myself be interested in someone else. But I don’t want to. All I want is for him to hold my hand across the table again, and to kiss me for no reason again, and to lie awake in bed with me again, talking, and look at me the way I look at him again. Every time he just looks at me while I cry, or pulls away when I touch him, or looks away when I look at him, I die a little on the inside.

He says he wants to date around. Okay. But why? Why am I not good enough? What is so awful, so disgusting, so off putting about me that he doesn’t want to be with me? How can I love him so much, and he not at all? HOW IS THIS FAIR? How can anyone care about him the way I care about him? And if they don’t, then how can he choose to be with someone who doesn’t care about him the way I do? I can’t think of a single thing that I wouldn’t do for him.

I don’t want to lose my best friend. He accepts me and challenges me and helps me grow. I wouldn’t be the person I am today without him. But it is absolute killing me inside any time he talks about how lonely he is, or whatever girl he’s upset over. Doesn’t he know that I would never choose Daniel, or any other guy over him? Doesn’t he know that I’m trapped in a cycle that I feel like I can’t get out of? For the past year I’ve been trying to get over feelings I’ve had for him, whether it be going away for the summer, or finding another guy to be interested in. But it all comes back to him. I wish it didn’t. I wish I could manipulate and lie to myself, until I really believed me, and I could just treat him in a friend capacity. I want to just want him the way he wants me. I don’t ever want to love anyone again more than they love me. I want to be unbelievably picky, and have high standards, and write people off for dumb reasons, and have dozens of guys hanging on my every whim. I want to break hearts instead being broken.

Sometimes I can stop thinking about it happening. Sometimes the sting fades away, or maybe I just don’t notice it. But the moment it comes back, it hurts worse than before.

Trying this out again.

I feel like I’m starting to lose my grip on reality again, so I’m going to start writing/blogging again. Again, the goal is to find some inner truth, happiness, and general peace of mind. Here is what I am currently struggling with:

1. I am still in love with my best friend. I got a taste of what being with him would be like, and just as quickly as it came, it went away, and any hope I had is extinguished. He is the one that I come to with my disasters, but this time, he IS my disaster.

2. My roommate is driving me crazy. For two reasons actually. A) She is dating my ex boyfriend and having an effective relationship with him, and it is driving me crazy. I can’t figure out if it’s because she’s happy and I’m not, or because HE’S happy and I’m not, or because THEY’RE happy together. B) She is so anal about cleaning, yet she is INCREDIBLY unorganized. I could almost accept her cleanliness if she put things in the same place every time. But she doesn’t! After she cleans, I can’t find anything! UGH!

3. I am seriously questioning my career path. I feel like the theatre is drawing me in again, and I feel more fulfilled doing things in the theatre than doing things in my field, and it’s freaking me out.

4. I am having a lot of issues controlling my emotions. Specifically my anger. I hate being controlled by anyone or anything, and I feel like I lose the ability to think logically or let go of anything. It’s driving me crazy.

Anyway, the goal is to blog when I’m feeling hopeless, or depressed, or angry, or any intense emotion really, so that I can get to the bottom of this. I only get one life and I’ve got to do this.

15 Reasons Why Maryland is Amazing

Home is where the heart is. ❤


I may not have chosen to grow up in Maryland, but I did decide to continue to live here (and trust me, I have thought about moving away, California always sounds nice). There is just something about Maryland that keeps me here and keeps me happy. On this day, 380 years ago, the first European settlers landed on what is now known as the great state of Maryland. In honor of Maryland day, I bring you 15 reasons why Maryland is amazing:

1. We have all 4 seasons. Yes, while snow at the end of March is not ideal, it is going to be in the 60s later this week. Maryland, you crazy. I like you, but you’re crazy.


2. Getting crabs in Maryland is not a bad thing. Blue crabs that is.


3. We have it all. Beaches, mountains, cities, farmland. You can hike, bike, swim or boat, whatever…

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6 Things Every Extrovert Secretly Has To Deal With

I love this… Sometimes introverts need to get off their high horse Jesus Christ…

Thought Catalog


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Over the past few years I’ve noticed a growing number of articles exclaiming, “How To Take Care of An Introvert” or “10 Things Everyone Should Understand About Introverts” and while I have no real problem with introverts and introversion, my issue is with the fact that people of the internet seem to have romanticized introversion in a way that turns any possible social impediments a person might have into desirable quirky traits. Not only this, but extroverts are suddenly the bad guys for not understanding introverts or mistreating introverts, etc, etc.

As a self-proclaimed extrovert, I’m pretty sick and tired of people assuming that introverts are the only people who have got it hard. Really, seriously? Are we really going to play this game? Now you look here, mister. Extroverts may not seem as delicate or may not seem as complex and diverse, but extroverts have…

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I recently read an appalling article about tipping, and I feel like I need to get up on my soapbox and PREACH.

This is a concept I feel particularly strongly about, since the serving is part of my industry. Although I have a biased opinion since I obviously think tipping is a very important practice, this article makes absolutely zero valid points. I intend to dissect them one by one.

1. “Acting like you’re my best friend” is one type of serving style that not all servers adopt, but it honestly offends me that he has the gall to suggest that all servers are only being nice to him for his money. As a server, I have made it my mission to create an experience for you, as depicted by the particular restaurant’s mission statement. It is my job to treat everyone in accordance with that. I am not just “doing it for your money”. I can’t speak for all servers, but then, neither can he.

2. “You don’t get paid enough”. Serving is unique in that it is one of the few jobs where their pay is directly affected by their performance. Yes, our pay is significantly lower than minimum wage, and employers should compensate for the difference between it and the set minimum wage. It is an unspoken agreement as a restaurant customer that you will make up the difference, provided that service is up to par.

3. “You’ll spit in my food if I don’t tip you?” Anyone who has ever said this does not deserve to be a server. It is grossly unfair to make this assumption about all servers. No one is blackmailing anyone.

4. “Bringing me my food isn’t worthy of being paid extra” That might be true, but waiting on his every need and whim IS (in my opinion). That is part of the deal, and what you’re paying for in your tip. You are paying for personalized attention and for us to solve your food related problems. Your drink doesn’t refill yourself, trust me, I wish it did.

5. “Money doesn’t grow on trees” If you don’t have enough money to tip your server, don’t go out to eat! It’s really that simple.

Again, this is just my opinion as a future Hospitality professional. In summary, don’t be an asshole. It’s not really that much more money. And if it is, don’t go out to eat. Make your own damn food.

Original Article: http://www.bhagwad.com/blog/2009/philosophy/5-reasons-why-i-wont-tip-you-if-youre-a-waiter.html/