Tattoo

Being in love with your best friend who is NOT reciprocating is like getting a tattoo with a phobia of needles- ultimately, you really want the tattoo, but all of the pain and panic attacks make it really hard to get. And sometimes you talk yourself out of it, and you say it’s not for you, and that you’d much rather have unblemished skin anyway. But you do really want the tattoo, you’ve always wanted the tattoo. This particular design holds so much meaning for you, and god help you if you just gave up, because what would you do then? But really, is all the pain worth it? All of those nights you stay up crying and wishing you were dead? Every time any of your friends show you their tattoos, and you pretend not to want one, but deep down you do and you know exactly which one it is. And finally, you get up enough courage to go into the tattoo parlor to get it done, and the artist tells you it won’t look any good on you. Won’t look good on you? How can a design that holds so much meaning to you not look good on you? Is it possible that he’s mistaken? All of your friends think it would look good on you. And you don’t care if it’ll look good on you, you just want that tattoo because you need to express yourself and your love.

I just don’t understand it. My friends have been telling me everyone goes through this. Am I weak because I don’t know if I’ll make it through this? Every day when I wake up from some beautiful dream about us together, the truth hits me again and it’s like he’s ending things with me every single morning. It hurts so much.

I could move on. I could go on a few dates with the next guy who thinks I’m cute at a party and wants to get coffee with me. I could go have sex with someone else, and it’d be okay. I could let myself be interested in someone else. But I don’t want to. All I want is for him to hold my hand across the table again, and to kiss me for no reason again, and to lie awake in bed with me again, talking, and look at me the way I look at him again. Every time he just looks at me while I cry, or pulls away when I touch him, or looks away when I look at him, I die a little on the inside.

He says he wants to date around. Okay. But why? Why am I not good enough? What is so awful, so disgusting, so off putting about me that he doesn’t want to be with me? How can I love him so much, and he not at all? HOW IS THIS FAIR? How can anyone care about him the way I care about him? And if they don’t, then how can he choose to be with someone who doesn’t care about him the way I do? I can’t think of a single thing that I wouldn’t do for him.

I don’t want to lose my best friend. He accepts me and challenges me and helps me grow. I wouldn’t be the person I am today without him. But it is absolute killing me inside any time he talks about how lonely he is, or whatever girl he’s upset over. Doesn’t he know that I would never choose Daniel, or any other guy over him? Doesn’t he know that I’m trapped in a cycle that I feel like I can’t get out of? For the past year I’ve been trying to get over feelings I’ve had for him, whether it be going away for the summer, or finding another guy to be interested in. But it all comes back to him. I wish it didn’t. I wish I could manipulate and lie to myself, until I really believed me, and I could just treat him in a friend capacity. I want to just want him the way he wants me. I don’t ever want to love anyone again more than they love me. I want to be unbelievably picky, and have high standards, and write people off for dumb reasons, and have dozens of guys hanging on my every whim. I want to break hearts instead being broken.

Sometimes I can stop thinking about it happening. Sometimes the sting fades away, or maybe I just don’t notice it. But the moment it comes back, it hurts worse than before.

Trying this out again.

I feel like I’m starting to lose my grip on reality again, so I’m going to start writing/blogging again. Again, the goal is to find some inner truth, happiness, and general peace of mind. Here is what I am currently struggling with:

1. I am still in love with my best friend. I got a taste of what being with him would be like, and just as quickly as it came, it went away, and any hope I had is extinguished. He is the one that I come to with my disasters, but this time, he IS my disaster.

2. My roommate is driving me crazy. For two reasons actually. A) She is dating my ex boyfriend and having an effective relationship with him, and it is driving me crazy. I can’t figure out if it’s because she’s happy and I’m not, or because HE’S happy and I’m not, or because THEY’RE happy together. B) She is so anal about cleaning, yet she is INCREDIBLY unorganized. I could almost accept her cleanliness if she put things in the same place every time. But she doesn’t! After she cleans, I can’t find anything! UGH!

3. I am seriously questioning my career path. I feel like the theatre is drawing me in again, and I feel more fulfilled doing things in the theatre than doing things in my field, and it’s freaking me out.

4. I am having a lot of issues controlling my emotions. Specifically my anger. I hate being controlled by anyone or anything, and I feel like I lose the ability to think logically or let go of anything. It’s driving me crazy.

Anyway, the goal is to blog when I’m feeling hopeless, or depressed, or angry, or any intense emotion really, so that I can get to the bottom of this. I only get one life and I’ve got to do this.